Dating someone new? Time to talk finances

By Derrick Kinney

Student loan debt is front of mind for many millennials. So it wasn’t a surprise when the topic came up on the first or second date for Rashid Abdullah and his now-fiancé.

“We talked about it very early on. She actually told me that she had a large student loan debt, like other young people, but she had managed to pay off like 90 percent of it,” says the 38-year-old Abdullah, a member of the Rotary Club of Evanston Nouveau. “The fact that she worked hard in her 20s to pay it off — it was one of the things that made me admire her.”

It also opened the door to other frank conversations about money, from salaries to how they would pay for dates together. Now, as they prepare to tie the knot, they’re talking about how they will handle bank accounts as a married couple.

Regardless of your age or financial situation, talking about money early in a relationship is a way to avoid surprises down the road. It helps prevent heartbreak years later if a couple finds their attitudes about money are incompatible. That’s why a potential mate’s financial situation, job status, and vision for the future should be discussed at the same time that you’re having fun conversations about music and pickleball.

Likewise, hiding details about debt for too long might make a partner worry there are more secrets lurking — inviting suspicion and eroding trust.

Can it be scary to be open and vulnerable about finances? Absolutely. But any conversation you fear now will be more intense later. Remember, you date to evaluate.

Here are three steps to get started:  

1. Set up the money conversation

After a few dates, you probably know if you want to press the gas pedal on the relationship. To avoid catching your date completely off-guard, say this before the next meet-up: “I like the direction we’re going. There is something very important to me that I would like us to talk about: money and finances. How would you feel about that?”   

2. Ask the important questions

• “What are your financial goals and your approach to spending?” - This opens a conversation about how someone thinks about money and their future. It will reveal whether you desire similar things. Remember, this isn’t a one-way conversation. If you’re asking them to be financially vulnerable, you should be ready to share as well.
• “How do you feel about debt, investing, and taking risks?” - Approach this talk not as an interrogation, but a conversation with a person you enjoy being with. You’re both discovering more about each other. This process helps deepen your relationship, as you learn about each other’s money philosophy.
• “How do you feel about generosity?”- Identify what causes a person cares about. Also, ask if they like to contribute with money, time, or both. This gives you an inside look at how a person feels about giving to help others, and helps clarify what they are passionate about and why.  

3. Identify financial red flags

During the conversation, you may find yourself becoming more excited, or more concerned, about the relationship. Asking open-ended questions gets past the superficial, and helps to confirm a deeper level of compatibility.

Potential red flags from a partner include having a lack of vision for the future, evasive or unclear answers to your questions, and low motivation for career growth, as well as blaming others for past mistakes or revealing a challenging financial situation.  

But remember: A red flag is different than a stop sign. Instead, think of it as a pause button. You’re getting insight into how this person thinks, what they care about, and how motivated they are. These are all additional factors to help you decide whether it makes sense to move forward. If the future vision they describe aligns with yours, it can lead to a beautiful and meaningful relationship. If it doesn’t, you’ve reached another evaluation moment. 

The road ahead  

The money conversation doesn’t stop here. Financial compatibility doesn’t guarantee a future of conflict-free money conversations. Learning how to handle conflicts when they arise is vital to every relationship.

Also, understand the difference between accusing and asking. When two people come together, they’re blending two unique past lives. That takes work.  

When you’re unsure or concerned about a financial decision your partner is making, consider how to approach it. For example, saying, “What were you thinking? I can’t believe you did that!” may lead to a person digging in their heels and getting defensive. But asking, “Would you help me understand this?” offers a non-confrontational entry point. Most importantly, this approach builds trust —which is vital in a new relationship.

Down the road, you may sense the potential danger in a decision your partner is feeling good about. A good way to start that conversation may be: “I want you to know that I feel very concerned about what you’re doing. Can we speak openly about it?” That expression of concern for your partner’s well-being sets a positive tone for the discussion.

Five years into their relationship, Abdullah and his fiancé are now creating a game plan that takes into account salary growth and the unpaid labor each of them contribute to the household.

“It's good to talk about where you are currently with your finances, but also where you see yourself in 10 years,” Abdullah adds.

Couples who plan together often thrive together. Opening the money conversation sooner than later kicks off a line of communication that can last a lifetime.